Who are they?
Episode Guide
The Gallery


LS - Lee Simpson
PM - Paul Merton
CQ - Caroline Quentin
JL - Josie Lawrence
JS - Jim Sweeney
PD - Phelim McDermott
A - Audience
C - Cast in general

" - This is used when one person is doing more than one character at once, e.g. having an argument with themselves!
********** - I can't hear this phrase, any ideas?
(Italic in brackets) - This marks where I have felt the need to make some kind of explanatory comment, such as sound effects, accents, possible explanations for unexplained laughter, and mistakes made by the cast! (Nobody's perfect)

(Audience applause)
LS - Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the third episode of the Masterson Inheritance, an improvised historical saga of a family at war with itself.  You have already heard the violent history of the Masterson family through to the end of the 18th century.  Our team of performers will tonight attempt to spontaneously enact the succeeding chapter of  a story based entirely on the suggestions of our studio audience. No script, no rehearsals; just an audience and a couple of microphones.  To bring you this story of intrigue, iniquity and inbreeding tonight, we have Josie Lawrence, Phelim McDermott, Paul Merton, Caroline Quentin, Lee Simpson and Jim Sweeney!

(Audience applause)

LS – Right then, now, er, we’d like to take our story to a distant land this week, we’d like to travel it abroad.  So, the first suggestion we need from our audience is a reason why someone might go to sea, or why someone might travel to a distant land… why might someone do that, any ideas?

A – Heartbreak

A - Archaeological exp…

LS – Heartbreak…

A (distant) – To avoid his poll tax payments. (audience laughter)

LS – We’re talking about the early 19th century, rather than the 15th or the 20th…so, we’ve got heartbreak; someone said something over there, what was that?

A – Gambling debts.

LS – Gambling debts!  Shall we… shall we combine gambling debts and heartbreak?  That’s a pretty good reason, or a couple of reasons, isn’t it?  Now, er, on the ship, what’s in the cargo hold?

A – Dynamite.

A – Rum.

LS – Dynamite and rum.

A – Sheep.

LS – (laughing) Sheep.

(Audience laughter)

LS – Erm… alright then, well, we’ll settle for dynamite, rum and sheep; a potent mix, if ever there was!  Now, er, a suggestion of a character defect, or a bad habit that someone might have.

A – Farting.

LS – (laughing) – Farting. 

(Audience laughter)

LS – Oh it got a lot of approval over there!

PM – (in background) People sitting next to him.

LS (snort of laughter) Alright, farting, we’ll go for farting then.  Er, now, remembering our nautical or seafaring theme, now what about a suggestion of a title for this week’s episode?

A – Scurvy!

LS – Sounds like a musical, doesn’t it, just “Scurvy!”

JL (in background) – Scurvy…

LS – That’s very good.  So, our suggestions tonight are: gambling and heartbreak; dynamite, rum and sheep; farting (audience laughter) and “Scurvy!”.

(opening music)

LS – The Masterson Inheritance – Book Three – (dramatic) “Scurvy!”. London docks; a bustling and busy place…

(coconut shell “horse”, horn etc.)

C – (general hubbub in background, including:) JL - Apples, buy your apples!  Apples, get your apples! CQ - All aboard! PM - Dehumidifiers, get your dehumidifiers!

LS - …a place of much activity, especially in the early 19th century.  But amongst all this bustle is a young man; a young man who is saying farewell, for he is setting off on a long journey.  He is saying farewell to his dear mother.  His name is Robert.

JL – (sobs, deep breath and then nose-blowing) Oh Robert, Robert!

PM (middle class) – What is it, mother? (audience laugh) Don’t cry, you know how much it upsets me to see you cry so.

(JL sobs more)

PM – If you don’t cry, I’m going to have to… if you don’t stop crying I’m going to have to hit you again.

JL- Robert, I have one piece of advice for you…

PM – Er, yes?

JL - …as you set out on your voyage to God knows where.

PM – What is that, mama?

JL – Always take your vitamin C tablets after breakfast.  You know you’re a very weak child…

PM – It’s true.

JL - …and you don’t want to get something terrible when you’re onboard with all those sailors.

LS – And so, and so, for a moment we leave this tender scene and go to Captain William Porter, captain of the good ship Endeavour, the ship upon which Robert will sail.  He is welcoming onboard a very special passenger – Lady Grace Selhurst, who is taking passage to the Americas . 

PD – Your caskets, yes, you seem to have brought rather a lot of caskets with you.

CQ (frightfully posh) – Oh yes, I’ve brought every jewel that’s ever been passed down my family.

PD – Well, I hope our ship will be able to stay afloat!

CQ – Thank you so much.

LS – She introduced her serving maid, Catherine; a pretty girl, of comely appearance, which the captain noticed immediately…

CQ – This is Comely Catherine, my serving maid.  You can call her Comely if you like.

JL (cockney) – Owd’ you do captain, pleased to meet yer, pleased to make yer acquaintance if you’ll be so kind beggin’ yer pardon sir.

PD – Very nice to meet you – I hope you’ll join me at my table, while we’re…

CQ – Oh that would be charming, charming.  Catherine?

JL – Yes miss?

CQ – Do up your blouse.

JL – Sorry miss.

LS – And as the ladies…

JL – Just takin’ the air.

LS – And as the ladies made their way to the quarters, there was a grumbling from the sailors, for they did not like the idea of womenfolk aboard ship; it was considered bad luck, and they muttered about what might befall them because of it.


JS – (middle class) Well frankly I could do without the women coming on board.

LS – Back, back on the dock, Robert was saying his final farewells to his mother…

PM – Mother, you make me sick, but one day I may forget you.  I’m going to another land, somewhere that isn’t home; somewhere that’s away.  A bit like the way when West Bromwich Albion play Wolverhampton Wanderers, at Molyneux they could be considered to be away and not at home.  I,, America is going to be my Molyneux, I shall be in the Visitors’ dressing room if you want me.

JL – Son…

PM – I hope some of this makes sense to you, mother, because I understand you have no knowledge of football at all, and I’m…

JL – I…

PM – I’m just saying it just to confuse you even further.

JL – I do, son.  Always I carry a little photograph of Nobby Stiles and Asa Hartford.

PM – A photograph in the 1820’s, what a wonderful thing!  And who is this Nobby Stiles of whom you speak?

JL – Someone who in the future will be very great, and have very few teeth.

PM – Ah, the ambition of every man!

JL- Robert, you may be going far away, but I want you…

PM – There’s no maybe about it, I’ve booked me ticket!  I’m off!

JL – I want you to take…

PM – You old hag!

JL – I want you to take…

PM – No!  I can’t take your face cream, you need it more than I do!

JL – No, not my face cream Robert, see; a little piece that will be forever home in your heart – my locket.

PM – But… supposing you get a sore throat?

JL – I’m an old woman, Robert, I’ve sucked all the…

PM – Yes, and an ugly one – you’ve done what?!

JL – I’ve sucked all the sweets I’m gonna suck. You take this…

(Paul laughs)

PM – Well I dunno, you might still get your cab fare home.

JL – Take this locket, and keep it.

PM – Yes, I will.

JL - But never, ever open it unless you’re in trouble.

PM – I shall remember your words, mama.

JL – Goodbye sweet boy, sweet, lovely boy.

PM – Goodbye, toothless old hag!

LS – And so he turned, and slowly walked up the gangplank, up the gangplank to the ship, and indeed to his destiny, where he was greeted by the captain, Captain William Porter.

PD – Well, welcome aboard!

PM – Thank you.  Do you have a good entertainment programme aboard the ship?  I’m rather partial to deck quoits.

PD – (pompous) We have every kind of ent…

PM – There’s no need to shout, I’m standing next to you… you salty buffoon!

PD – I’m allowed to shout, I’m the captain of this ship!

PM – Ooh, get you! 

LS – Robert would soon find out that he could not be as cheeky onboard ship as he was on land, for the terrifying punishments which awaited him if he kept up this sort of thing!

PD – The last man who was as cheeky (he pronounces it “sheiky”) to me as you’ve been…

PM – As “sheiky”?! What was he, an Arab?

PD - …was keel-hauled!!

PM – Oh… I see, well I shall mind my P’s and Q’s.  I shall dot my I’s and cross my T’s.

LS – And so Robert went off, to find his bunk. (audience laughter) I said…

PM – Anybody want to meet me, my name’s Robert…

LS – Far away, far away from this, this English scene, in the middle of the Atlantic , is a different scene…

(wind, ship’s bell)

LS - …is another ship, but a ship with a darker purpose.  A ship whose purpose it is to take from other ships, yes, yes yes!  A pirate ship!  A pirate ship run by a ruthless pirate known only as the Black Mane.

(piratical laughter from JL and CQ)

CQ (Westcountry pirate) – Come up ‘ere and ‘ave a bottle of rum you little naughty!

LS – These are no ordinary pirates, for these pirates are the famous female pirates of the Atlantic ; the Black Mane, a fearsome, fearsome creature, feared by all seagoing types.

JL (also pirate voice) – That last ship that we scuppered, we went onboard and we got all those sailor men and soon pulled their bell-bottoms down round their ankles!

CQ – Not a man left in one piece!

JL – Aaaaall the men there!

CQ – All shakin’, gibberin’ wrecks by the time we’d finished with them!

LS – And one of them was brought in, a prisoner from that last ship, and thrown at their feet!  He was begging for mercy, but it was to no avail.

JS – Damn you, what do you want and why did you drag me here?

JL – Ooh, you look lovely in your chains, young man.

(chains rattling)

CQ – We’ve got some little jobs for you, in the sleeping quarters!

JL – Yes, ha haaa ahahaa

CQ – Ahahahahaaaa!

JS – What sort of little jobs do you mean?

JL – Well, we’re women!  With women’s needs!  And you be the only man that ain’t tired out by now.  So we need you down below!  I’m just going to go for a…

(audience laughter)

CQ – Yes!

JS – That suits me fine!  (laughing) Should I start now?

LS – Back…

CQ – So get you downstairs, and strip your bottom half of your clothing and we’ll be down immediate!

JS – Very well, I’ll go downstairs and take my shoes and socks off.

JL – Ahaahahhaaaa!

LS – And that was how they dealt with their prisoners; no mercy, no mercy at all.   Meanwhile, the good ship Endeavour was making good time out into the Atlantic Ocean .  All was going well.  The captain was in his cabin, talking to his lieutenant.

PD – I’m a little bit worried about… well… I suppose you’ve guessed.  I’ve not been taking to the food very well on board ship.

JS – No you haven’t have you sir?  You’re little bell-bottoms are flapping like crazy.

PD – Look, I’m terribly sorry, look, it’s embarrassing, this.  How can one be a captain aboard ship, with respect from other people, if, well I, I have this trouble with, with wind?!

JS – Have you thought of a cork, sir?  It might backfire, but it could be fun… I don’t know sir, you’re just going to have to stand up; be Captain!  The men’ll respect you – they won’t stand very close to you, but they’ll respect you sir!  (holding nose)  Now can I go?

PD – Very well.  Thank you for your advice (blows raspberry).

JS – (holding nose) You’re welcome!

LS – So the lieutenant well… So, the lieutenant went, leaving the captain alone… alone with his own problem.  Out on the fo'c's'le was young Robert, looking out as the waves travelled past them; as the sea went beneath them, and they headed out towards a new land.   Comely Catherine was taking a turn on the deck.

PM – If this ship went a bit faster we could do some water skiing.

JL – Beggin’ yer pardon sir, beggin’ yer pardon sir…

PM – Yes?

JL - …but I’m not really meant to be on the fo’c’s’le.  I’m meant to be getting some fresh water for me lady who’s down below at the moment sir, but… I’ve never seen a gent like you before sir.  I’ve always been kept downstairs before.  Never been on a ship neither, no so… never I ‘ave no… never nor blimey. 

PM – Well, assuming that you’ve always been kept downstairs I also assumed you’d never been aboard a ship, unless of course your parents had brought a ship below the stairs.

JL – Oh, no sir!  My parents couldn’t afford nothing…

PM – But my heart, it pounds, it beats! 

JL – I can hear it, sir!

PM – Yes! 

JL – Or could it be the pounding of my heart too?

PM – It seems that our two hearts pound to a single beat.  (he makes heartbeat noises)

JL – Beggin’ yer pardon sir, no this isn’t nothing for a girl to be saying to a gent such as you but sir, I think I love you…

PM – Isn’t that a song by David Cassidy?

JL – (laughing) I think so, sir.  I’m sorry sir, the colour’s come to my cheeks.

PM – Yes, but don’t worry, green’s very attractive.

JL – No sir, I must get the fresh water…

PM – It’s more sort of olive.

JL – If my mistress knew she was… that I was talking to…

PM – But no you can’t!

JL – Wha… ooh you’ve got all me tongue all of a muddle!

PM – I’ll soon straighten that out for you!  Meet me tonight, midnight , in the crow’s nest.

JL – Crow’s nest?

CQ (shouts from off mic) CatheRINEEEE!

JL – Oh, must go!

PM – Alright.

JL – Er, what’s your name?

PM – It doesn’t matter, er, it’s a very small crow’s nest; you’ll recognise me from the carnation in my coat.

JL – Farewell!

PM – Goodbye…

LS – And so she left him, she left him thoughtful, thoughtful of the trouble he might be getting into.  Meanwhile, back on the pirate ship, the ship known only as the Vixen

(ship’s bell and wind again)

LS - …the two leading lady pirates were planning their next exploit.

(more maniacal pirate laughter from JL and CQ)

CQ – We’ve got no money.

JL – No! No money.  And only one man.

CQ – That’s right, and he’s knackered.

JS – Yes, if you’ve quite finished I could go and get some air?

CQ – No, down you go again! 

JL – Ahahahaaa!

CQ – Aahahahaaa!

JL – Bette!

CQ – What?

JL – What’s this?

CQ – I dunno.

JL – My faithful homing pigeon, Molly.  Ah!

CQ – What does it say?

(paper unwrapping)

JL – It says ‘ere, that a ship is setting sail, with a Ladyship onboard… let’s set sail, let’s set course and follow that ship.

CQ – Aye, lets!

JL – Soon we’ll be rich!

CQ – Let’s put the big sail up!

JL – Yes.  I’ll just go for a poop on the mid-deck.

CQ – Alright.

LS – Meanwhile back, on the good ship Endeavour, there were rumblings down in the seamen’s room.

JS (middle class) – Well, frankly it’s all rather distressing.

PM – Aaarr!

JS – The vegetables’ in a terrible state. 

PM – Rrrrr.

JS – Not so much as an al dente all week.  And the water!

PM – Rrrr?

JS – We’re running out of it, chaps.

PM – Aaar!


JS – I’m afraid this might mean we’ll find ourselves in the dread state of being struck down by… scurvy.

C – Rrrrr (gravelly) Oh no!

LS – There was a mumbling, the thing sailors feared the most – scurvy!  It struck fear into their very hearts.

(Paul makes vague piratical background noises)

PD – Ss.. ss… scurvy?  That gets your complexion, doesn’t it?

JS – Yes.  So, I suggest we keep a close eye on our captain.  It seems to me he’s not steady at the helm.  His bell-bottoms flap a little bit too much for my liking!  If anything goes wrong we have to be prepared to take over this ship.  Are we agreed?

PM – Aaar!

PD – Aye!  We’re agreed!

JS – Right… who’s for a cappuccino?

LS – And so, and so the sailors took their fateful decision, a decision they could not go back on – for, for a seaman, to revolt, to mutiny, is a grave, grave matter indeed.  Time passed.   Midnight came.  Up in the crow’s nest was Robert waiting, waiting for the young lady Comely Catherine, and all he could hear wafting on the sea breeze was the sound of an old sea shanty sung by the sailors… and old sea shanty that they sang every time the night fell, and the wind was calm.

JL (sings) – Night has fallen, wind is calm, yo boys oh…

(CQ and JS join in, unsure if the tune is going to change)

C – Night has fallen, wind is calm, yo boys yo! 

(singing gets confused and they start laughing)

C - Night has fallen, wind is calm, night has fallen, wind is calm, yo boys yo ho! Oh boys yo!  Night has fallen…

JS – It’s quite nice, but it could do with a middle eight.

LS – It was then…

PM – I don’t think I can stand much more of this.  Forty-four days we’ve been on this voyage and those damned sailors sing the same song every night!

JL – Can you… help me up, please?

PM – Yes… grab my hand.

JL – Oh (she pants, noise of something dropping to the ground). Oh thank you!  (laughing) Sorry, I’ve dropped something.

PM – Oh, allow me!  Clogs suit a lady.  We can always use them as ballast. 

JL – I don’t know what I’m doing here, sir, in a crow’s nest with a strange man who I hardly know but love so much.

PM – Look over there.

JL – Ah, sea!

PM – Yes, it’s all around us, you know. 

JL – It’s it wonderful.  Water, water everywhere…

PM – Yes, except for the ship in the middle. 

JL – You are poetic, sir.

PM – Thank you. 

LS – Robert knew that he had to be truthful with this young lady for she had won his heart; he knew he had to reveal all to her, for he could not love her if it was not honest, and so he told her; he told her why he had left his land, why he was journeying to another.

JL – Beggin’ yer pardon sir, but perhaps if I may be…

PM – Pick a card!  I bet you fifteen doubloons that that is the Jack of Spades!

JL – It is, sir!  Why that’s so clever of you, sir.  The Jack of Spades it… oh no, wait ‘minute, Queen of ‘earts.

PM – Then I owe you some doubloons.

JL – Oh sir I’m not a gambling miss, (clinking coins) and I ‘ope you’re not a gambling man for my father told me to beware of them. 

PM – I have to tell you the truth I am a gambling man; I have been banned from every casino in Great Britain .

JL – Is that why you’re setting sail for a foreign part?

PM – Yes, it’s because I’ve been banned from every casino in Great Britain .  I’m a gambler – don’t you understand, everything is a gamble to me, life is a gamble.  That seagull over there; I mean to bet that that seagull will reach land before we do.

JL – But how will we know if he does or not, sir?  You see, you can’t gamble on fate, you can’t gamble on the future!

PM – Well, I can’t gamble on the past, can you?  What do you mean, I can’t gamble on the future?!  That’s horse racing knocked on the ‘ead then, isn’t it!  Alright, I go to the bookmakers, and say “I’d like to put a hundred pounds bet on the 1943 Derby ”!  Or no, I could gamble on the present, couldn’t I!  I want to bet a hundred pounds that I’ve just walked in this shop.

JL – Oh sir!

PM – Yes of course, everything you say is right, I know.

JL – All I know is, and I won’t take a gamble on it, that I do love you.  (romantic music) I still don’t know your name sir.

PM – Look there’s a… there’s a string quartet floating past.  (music swells)  It’s a wreck from HMS Mozart, look.  The Bournemouth Sinfonia. 

JL – It’s so romantic, sir.

PM – Yes.

JL – Can I be so bold and ask for a kiss, sir?

PM – You certainly can.  When do you propose to ask for this kiss?

JL – ‘bout five o’clock on Tuesday.

PM – Good.  So it’ll be in the future then.

JL – I wouldn’t bet on it.

PM – No.

LS – And so, and so we leave these young lovers together, together in a crow’s nest a hundred and fifty feet above the ship’s deck.  But in another part of the ocean, not so far away now, another ship is becalmed.

(ship’s bell)

JS – Sorry to bother you – any chance of a cushion?  Only I’ve scuffed my knees.

CQ and JL – Get down!

JL – I have a plan!

CQ – What do you, what’s your plan?

JL – This ship.

CQ (just finished taking a sip of water I think) Mmm?

JL – This ship with all the jewels.

CQ – Yesssss?!

JL – I have a plan on how to get onboard, with waste… without wasting much cannonballs.

CQ – I can’t wait to hear it!

JL – You know down below, in the hold?

CQ – Yes?

JL – What have we got?

CQ – We’ve got… dynamite.

JL – Yeah.

CQ – We’ve got… rum.  And for some bizarre reason best known to yourself…

(sheep noises from cast, LS sniggers)

CQ - …we’ve got… sheep!

JS – I’m sorry, I’ve got to draw the line somewhere!

CQ and JL – Get down!

CQ – Stay down!

JL – Well, ‘ere’s the plan.

CQ – Yeah, what’s this plan then?

JL – We roll alongside the ship, right?

CQ – Yeah… coming up, avast!

JL – Say we’ve got some meat onboard which we’d like to sell ‘em, protein and that.  We’ll feed the sheep with the dynamite…

CQ – Yes, I like your thinking!

JL – Get em drunk…

CQ – ..on the…

JL and CQ – rum…

CQ – Yes.

JL – Let ‘em onboard!

CQ (excited) Yesss?!

JL – And then throw a match on deck.

CQ (even more excited) Yessss!!!

JL – Exploding baa-lambs all over the place, they’ll be like putty in our hands!

CQ and JL – Ahahahhaahhaaaaaa!

LS – And so they went off to put their evil plan into operation.  Meanwhile, back on HMS Endeavour, the captain was sleeping.  But as he sleeps (PD snores) his crewmen stealthily, stealthily creep around his cabin with knives in their mouths.

(footsteps, coughing, cutlass clanking)

JS – Sorry, but for God’s sake, somebody open a window.

(general pirate mumbling)

JS – Oh God, look!  The duvet’s floating five inches above the bed!

(PD snores, splutters and wakes)

PD – Erm, er, a mutiny!

JS – Yes, that’s right, a mutiny!

(PM makes random pirate noises again)

PD – I suppose you’re mutinying because of… well… because of my… problem?

C – (more random pirate “Aarrs” and mumbles)

JS – No, not really!

PD – I’m not ashamed of my problem!

JS – Well, you should be!  Frankly, it’s disgusting!

PM – Look out, watch out, he’s got a cork!  (Aaars from others) Don’t you point that…

PD – Yes!  One step forward and I pull out this cork.

JS – Alright alright!  Damn you!  Damn you to hell!  But can’t you see?  Look at the state we’re in; the food’s nearly run out, the water’s bad – there’s the risk of scurvy sir, you know that!  What are you going to do?

PD – Well, I’m going to pull this cork out frankly!

(sound of gunshot, rest of cast run yelling “ohhhh ohhh!”)

LS – And so there was a loud explosion, and so ended the mutiny.  On another part of the ship, sleeping after his assignation, was young Robert, but his was not… his was not a restful sleep.  He was haunted by dreams, dreams of the things his parents had told him as a child. 

(following (except LS and PM) in ghostly ”dream” echo, with PM making “I’m having a nightmare” gentle moans)

JL – Robert!

CQ – Robert!

JS – Bobby!

CQ – You are not who you think you are.

JS – Bobby!

CQ – Will you come riding today, Robert? (posh laughter)

PM – (talking in sleep) I, ah, who are you, I don’t know who you are!

JL – Oh, what a merry ball Robert!  (giggle) Thank you for inviting me here.  Oooh what a big house, Robert!

JS – Hello Bobby!

CQ – Robert?

JS – Masterson Hall!

LS – And from, from the mists of his dream emerged a vision…

JL – Masterson!

LS - …a vision of a house…

CQ – Lord Masterson?

LS - …a large house…

JS – Hello Bobby Masterson!

CQ – A letter for you.

JL – (as his mother) Never open the locket…

JL – (as child) Masterson!

CQ – Mr Masterson?

PM – Yes… ahhh…

CQ – There’s a letter for you.

LS – And his dreams slowly, slowly faded.

JS – Goodbye Bobby!  (LS snorts)

(end of dream sequence sound effect)

LS – He was awoken at the sound of sheep coming onboard the ship.  He went on deck to find out what was happening.

(general bleating from cast)

PD – Bring those sheep onboard!

JL – Oh and, er, the price for them, sir?

PD – The price…

JL – Yeah.

PD – …well, how much do you want?

JL – Two gold sovereigns.

CQ – And four doubloons.  And a demerald if you’ve got any.

JL – Yes.

PD – A demerald?!

CQ – Yes!  I hear you have some in a casket. 

LS – So the sheep were taken onboard, but as soon as they were onboard, the Black Mane put her evil plan into operation, and she started to detonate the dynamite placed…

(explosions, cast make distressed sheep noises)

JL – Throw the torches!

LS – There were exploding sheep everywhere!  Pieces of mutton and lamb flying all over the place!

JS – Lads!  Look, we’ve got kebabs!

CQ – Baa-rain!

PM – Anybody got any mint sauce?

LS – And as the smoke cleared, there, there standing atop the poop deck was the Black Mane, her cutlass in her hand, surveying the defeated crew of the Endeavour.

JL – My name is the Black Mane.

JS (middle class sailor) – My name’s Gerald.

JL – Get down!  I now take control of this ship and all who sail in ‘er.  So captain… what’s that smell? 

PD – E…excuse me, I’m terribly sorry.

JL – It’s me that you’ll look to now; you take orders from me. 

LS – But she had not reckoned on Robert.  Suddenly he appeared behind the Black Mane, and placed a dagger at her throat!

PM – Not…

JL – Ah!

PM - Not so fast, Black Mane!  

JL – Urgh!

PM – I have two things pressed against your back, one of them is a dagger.

JL – The other one a toothpick?


PM – (pause for effect) Yes it is.

JL – (panicking) Don’t kill me, don’t kill me!

PM – Why shouldn’t I kill you?  Give me one good reason why I should let you live?

JL – I know a secret. 

PM – A secret?

JL – I know where you can find some treasure!  I got it buried in a little beach in America !

PM – You have the secret to some treasure which is “buried in a little beach in America ”?

JL – That’s right!  Don’t kill me and I’ll give you the map!

PM – I think I’m going to kill you simply because of what you’ve just told me.

LS – And so, he plunged the dagger into her (PM urghs, JL aarghs), as she had plunged the dagger into so many others, and she sank to the floor.

(JL makes death throes noises)

LS – And with that, all the courage went from the pirates – the crew threw down their cutlasses and gave themselves up.  Robert had single-handedly defeated them.  He was a great, great hero.

PM – Thank you very much!

LS – He was thanked by Grace Selhurst, and of course Comely Catherine.

CQ – I can’t thank you enough for your kindness…

PM – That’s alright, money will do.

CQ – I have much money, but wait a moment?  What’s that hanging around your neck?

PM – My mother gave me this locket, and she told me under no circumstances should I ever open this locket - there we are!

CQ – Yes!

PM – By God!

CQ – Look, Catherine. 

JL – It looks exactly like you, sir, only with a very bushy moustache.

CQ – Yes.  You know what this means, don’t you Catherine?  If this man’s mother gave him this locket, it means, his mother must be…

LS – A Masterson – yes it was true.  His mother had given him the locket as a sign of his true identity.

PM – Good Lord…

LS – It was a portrait of a Masterson of long ago, a portrait…

PM – No, wait a minute…

LS - …recognised by Grace Selhurst… because…

CQ – I know the family well.

LS – Thank you.

(audience laughter)

LS – He certainly had a better future than he had imagined, especially when a very large demerald was handed over (CQ laughs) by Grace to him, as reward for his heroic efforts.

CQ – I’d like you to take this demerald of multicoloured hues, and it’s worth twenty-five zillion trillion willion jingling pounds!

PM – How much?

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(she laughs as she realises what she’s got herself into)

CQ – Twenty-five zillion, billion, willion, jingling, dolling, (laughing) tung, tine.  Pounds!

PM – I see the exchange rate has changed recently.

CQ – Yeah!

LS – And with that, Lady Grace retired to her cabin, leaving young Robert alone…

CQ – Be good, Catherine!

LS - …with Comely Catherine.

JL – I will, miss.

LS – They stood with the future ahead of them, a future much brighter than…

PM – D’you know what this means?

JL – What does it mean, Robert?

PM – It means we have money.

JL – Will you stop your gambling debts?

PM – Only in the future.

LS – And so it was, that they went into the future.  They went into the future together, together as man and wife, with the Masterson Inheritance.

(audience applause and closing music)