|| (111K WAV) from "The Gangrene of the Mastersons"
Josie: More bandages, we need more bandages!
Paul: I can't eat any more bandages!
|| (85K WAV) from "The Gangrene of the Mastersons".
Jim: I do a rather good brandy/champagne cocktail actually.
|| (172K WAV) from "The Mastersons Lose Everything"
Jim: Was there someone here saying it was the butlerís day off? - The bastard!
|| (152K WAV) from "The Mastersons Go Down".
Caroline: Thats right...
Josie: More champagne?
Caroline: Yes please! (pop of cork) Drop of brandy in that as well please.
|| (92K WAV) from "The Sweat of the Mastersons"
Paul: Have you had another child since this morning?
|| (287K WAV) from "The Curse of the Mastersons"
Josie: Iím a good girl I am, Iíve never conversed with any man in my life!
Paul: No, youíve slept with plenty of them though, havenít you!
Josie: Thatís right!
Jim: Never said a word though.
Paul: No, always kept her mouth shut.
Josie: Yeah, well, sometimes...
|| (158K WAV) from "The Mastersons Go Down"
Lee: So theyíre going to America to get some chocolate chip cookies - 'cos 7-11 are closed.
|| (253K WAV) from "The Quest for the Other Rabbitís Foot".
Lee: It was the Well of Courage, and if you could drink from it, then you would gain the courage of a hundred men - brave men obviously, a hundred cowards would be no good.
|| (332K WAV) from "Beware the Ides of Masterson"
Paul: If you look over in the next cave, youíll find the God of Cross-country Running, but he has a note, so heís not here today.
|| (151K WAV) from "The Quest for the Other Rabbitís Foot".
Paul: And I remember once I wanted to have a fight with somebody...
Paul: Yeah, I picked on a chicken.
|| (96K WAV) from "The Sweat of the Mastersons"
Josie: I had to sell my hair to get those sovereigns!
|| (418K WAV) from "The Curse of the Mastersons"
Jim: Do you know what this is?
Paul: Itís a semi-detached house! You wonít make us live in that!
Jim: Iím not afraid to use it!
Paul: Good God, heís got - watch out, heís got the rent book!
|| (236K WAV) from "The Mastersons Magical Marquee (Part One)".
Caroline: Take some, I think you'll be needing them.
Lee: Alright...erm... extra absorbent?
Caroline: Yes I am, but I still think you'll be needing them.
|| (62K WAV) from "The Gangrene of the Mastersons"
Caroline: Kiss me, Harris.
Paul: Kiss your what?
|| (444K WAV) from "The Quest for the Other Rabbitís
Caroline: When you go out into battle, you dangle my hanky on the end of your lance, or something like that.
Phelim: Thatís right, yeah.
Caroline: I havenít got a hanky.... Iíve got pants.
Phelim: Well, maybe we could use them then
Caroline: Alright. (tearing sounds) Quite big...
|| (219K WAV) from "The Quest for the Other Rabbitís Foot".
Paul: So how many leagues is he from here?
Paul: Hmm, that would be down in the Premier Division, sort of.
|| (406K WAV) from "The Sweat of the Mastersons"
Paul: Allow me to introduce myself - my name is Sir Lester Marwood. (music)
Hereís my card.
Phelim: Ah, Sir Lester Marwood! (silence)
Paul: Iím sorry, that one hasnít got the tune on it.
|| (369K WAV) from "The Sweat of the Mastersons"
Paul: Iíve changed my name, and my theme tune since the last time you saw me.
Phelim: Ah, Sir Fred Pontin! (music)
|| (522K WAV) from "The Sweat of the Mastersons"
Phelim: This is what I think of your card! And this is what I think of your holiday camps!
(broken music) Thereís your tune, all over the floor!
Paul: But if I pick up that tune, those notes, I can get another tune out of it! See, a little bit of
There, my name is now Nyer Nyuurnoo. (music)
|| (169K WAV) from "The Mastersons Go Down"
Jim: So, do you have any plans when you go to America?
Paul: Plans! What are plans really? Simply schemes and ideas that you think of in advance!
|| (56K WAV) from "The Mastersons Go Down"
Paul: Polly wants a semi-detached house in Chiswick!
|| (319K WAV) from "The Quest for the Other Rabbitís Foot".
Caroline: But first, answer me this riddle - ĎIf a cloud flies through the sky on a gust of wind, how many bars of chocolate should you eat before December the third?í
|| (123K WAV) from "The Mastersons and Johnson"
Caroline: You'll write, won't you?
Phelim: If I manage to learn, yes.
|| (140K WAV) from "Scurvy!"
Caroline: Twenty-five zillion trillion willion jingling pounds.
Paul: How much?